“Why couldn’t I stay with my relatives and friends before they left?”, “Did I make the wrong decision?”. Facing death is inherently scary. For those who have experienced the sudden death of relatives or friends during the epidemic, healing the pain caused by death is a difficult subject. With the lack of time and the constraints of the epidemic, many people have not been able to say goodbye to their deceased relatives properly. There is no magic pill to bring the dead back to life. What should we do to get over this unforgettable grief? Inspiration from the Buddha According to legend, there was a mother who was grief-stricken because her child died unexpectedly, so she looked around for a way to revive her child. She begged the Buddha for help, and he eventually told her: “As long as you successfully get mustard seeds from a family where no relatives have died, you can save your children.” Mustard seeds were a ubiquitous spice at that time. My mother searched anxiously from house to house and found that all the families had mustard seeds, but there was no family that had not experienced the death of a loved one. She finally understood the Buddha’s intention: people cannot control life and death, and everyone in the world will suffer the pain of losing their loved ones, but they finally accepted the reality. Take time to soothe the scars caused by death In the model proposed by psychiatrist Kübler-Ross, there are five necessary stages of grief: 1. Denial: disbelief and denial of facts 2. Anger: facing pain Feeling angry and remorseful about the reality 3. Bargaining: having the idea of “doing whatever it takes to make the pain go away” 4. Melancholy: the heart gradually calms down, leaving only melancholy and silence 5. Acceptance: Emotions and life return to normal, and you begin to accept reality When going through stages such as anger, bargaining, and depression, the emotions people feel are generally stronger. “When I see something on the street, I think of that person and I burst into tears…” This is a common experience for many people when they are going through mourning. Some people may be frightened by their emotions and think something is wrong with them. However, this model tells us exactly that these emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are normal. Because we are mourning an important loss, what we need is time. Intense pain is not eternal, and one day we will calm down. Of course, there are many factors that will affect how long it takes for us to fully accept it, such as: how deep the relationship with the other person is, whether there are unfinished business, the impact on our life pattern after losing the other person, etc., so everyone’s mourning period is different. Therefore, there is no set timetable for mourning and we may go through certain stages over and over again. Finding Meaning in Scars Attaching meaning to one’s experiences can provide a powerful shield of protection in the face of adversity. Think about it, have you used this method before? Friends who are facing separation or death may wish to try to recall and write down what memories they have in common after they calm down. Whether the memories are sweet, bitter, or even make you regretful, facing the past will help preserve the memories you have with the other person and help you digest what these memories mean to you today. The pain caused by separation and death may be unbearable, but the pain will one day be offset by sweet memories. As long as you give sincerely, you will find that even if you lose, you will still get unexpected gifts. More importantly, feeling sad because the other person is gone is actually a sign of love. The more pain, sometimes it means more attention. It doesn’t matter if you can’t be strong right away. After all, it takes a long time to accept reality. Even though we are unable to continue the story with each other, we can still express our gratitude to the deceased, feel the happiness and warmth the other person once brought to us, and even live a good life with the expectations of the deceased for us. During your time of mourning, allow yourself to lean on the shoulders of your companions and lift yourself up through their support. However, the pain caused by some mourning is unbearable and transitional. You can try to apply for first-class psychological counseling services and learn to coexist with the pain in the huge waves of grief and pain. May the deceased rest in peace and the living be strong.
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