When I hear my parents talking to others about silly things they did when I was young, I want to cover their mouths immediately;
I made a mistake in school and was called out and scolded by the teacher in public, and even made to stand. I felt particularly embarrassed;
When speaking in public, I always dare not express my thoughts. I always feel that I am going to say the wrong thing, and I want to go home and leave the scene as soon as possible.
We all have those times when we feel ashamed. But why do we feel this way? What impact will this emotion have on us?
What is shame?
The American Psychological Association (APA) points out that shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion that may not only lead to avoidant behavior but also trigger defensiveness. Sexual and vengeful rage.
For example, we usually choose not to disclose to others, or even deny the ‘stupid things’ we have done, because we feel ashamed inside, and this feeling of ‘shame’ is shame. We sometimes also refer to some people as ‘biting back’, ‘swearing others when they do something wrong without admitting it’, etc. This is also likely to be the defensive and retaliatory anger caused by shame in their hearts.
Some scholars also pointed out that shame usually causes people to have a negative evaluation of themselves, lose motivation to do things, and make people feel worried, powerless, and lacking in worth. Therefore, it also has a certain impact on interpersonal relationships and mental health.
When does shame appear?
German psychologist Annette Kämmerer points out that we feel shame when we think we have violated the social norms we believe in.
Once we think we have violated social norms, we will feel shameful and afraid to look at others. We will also feel as if we have lost all power and want to disappear immediately. Shame does not necessarily only appear in public or when real things happen, it may more often be imagined by the mind at a certain moment.
Is shame necessarily bad?
Having said all that, shame seems to have a negative impact on both self-confidence and mental health, so should we abandon this emotion?
In fact, every emotion has its role for us, and shame is no exception.
Shame is an uncomfortable emotion, but it has certain functions for our personal growth and society as a whole. For example, the ancients advocated the ‘shame’ in ‘propriety, justice, integrity, and shame’. They actually hoped that people would know shame and evil, behave in line with social norms, and stay away from evil things. This would have a positive effect on the overall social development. So shame is not necessarily bad. What is more important is how to get along with this emotion, and even dominate this emotion in turn, turning it into motivation to make yourself better.
Excessive shame will destroy self-confidence, while shamelessness will make people feel no shame even if they do evil. Therefore, shame is necessary, but it needs to be moderate.
🤔 So what is moderation? What is healthy shame? Can a healthy dose of shame help us?
A certain amount of shame is normal
Psychologist Daniel Goleman points out that a certain amount of shame is normal. But if we feel shame every time we are criticized, encounter a small failure, or feel that our personality is flawed in every relationship, we have pathological shame.
Having said so much, I want to tell you who see this:
No one is born a shame, and you will not be a shame for the rest of your life just because you did something wrong, and you will not be defined as a shame just because who said you should be ashamed of yourself.
It’s normal for us to feel shame at some point in our lives, but more importantly, it’s how we choose to deal with that emotion.
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