Everyone looks forward to having a warm and harmonious family, but family relationships in real life are often full of challenges. How can we maintain close relationships and maintain personal boundaries in our families? This problem bothers many people. This article will explore how to find a balance in family relationships from a psychological perspective and help you establish a healthier family interaction model.
Why are you swayed by your family’s emotions?
Psychologist Murry Bowen proposed Family Systems Theory (Bowen Family Systems Theory), pointing out that family is not only an interpersonal relationship, but also an emotional system. In family relationships, a person may be completely dominated by the emotions of others and lose the ability to judge for himself. In this case, you will either be too obedient or extremely resistant, unable to truly express your needs and ideas. For example, when parents quarrel, children may feel anxious, scared, or angry; when children do not perform satisfactorily on exams, parents may feel disappointed, worried, or angry.
This emotional connection is beneficial for closeness and mutual support between family members, but it can also lead to excessive dependence and interference. If there are no appropriate distances and boundaries between family members, the following situations may occur:
- Trouble with Triangular Relationships: When conflicts arise between family members, a third party is often involved unconsciously. For example, parents can confide in their children when they are arguing, or let their children choose sides. While this approach can temporarily relieve stress, it often complicates the problem.
- Excessive Emotional Fusion: In family relationships, a person may be completely dominated by the emotions of others and lose the ability to judge himself. In this case, you will either be too obedient or extremely resistant, unable to truly express your needs and ideas.
How to stay close to your family while maintaining an appropriate distance?
In order to avoid the above problems, we need to enhance the ability of Differentiation of Self. Self-differentiation refers to a person’s ability to differentiate between intellectual and emotional processes. In other words, people with a high degree of self-discrimination can clearly distinguish between reason and emotion and are not easily distracted by emotions. People with high levels of self-differentiation are able to stick to their own ideas even in the face of pressure from others, while maintaining close and meaningful relationships. On the contrary, people with a low degree of self-discrimination are often swayed by the emotions of others, are easily influenced by others, and lack self-esteem.
Improving self-distinguishing does not mean alienating family members or becoming aloof, but it means maintaining an appropriate distance while maintaining closeness. Here are some ways to improve your self-differentiation:
1. Do not use the microphone
When there are problems between two family members, do not express or convey information on their behalf, but encourage them to communicate and resolve them directly. If they complain to you or ask you to take a stand, you can express your sympathy and understanding, but at the same time make your position and boundaries clear and don’t let their emotions take over.
2. Avoid expecting the other person to change
Everyone has their own unique personality, values, preferences and opinions, and it is impossible to fully meet our expectations or requirements. When we try to change the other person, we often arouse the other person’s resentment or resistance, which in turn leads to the deterioration of the relationship. We should accept each other’s differences and respect each other’s choices and decisions. At the same time, we should express our own thoughts and feelings and seek compromise and coordination between both parties.
3. Clarify communication principles
When communicating with family members, subjective expressions such as ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ should be used. Many times, problems arise in communication between us and family members because we do not clearly express our true intentions and needs. Use some vague or accusatory language to cause misunderstanding or resentment to the other party. We should use some specific and objective language to describe our feelings and thoughts in specific situations, rather than judging or criticizing the other person’s behavior or character. This approach can enhance the other party’s understanding and sympathy, while also reducing the other party’s defense and attack.
4. Understand the facts and clarify the responsibility
Sometimes, we feel guilty or blame ourselves because our family members encounter difficulties or pain, thinking that we have not done a good enough job or have not fulfilled our responsibilities. However, not everything is about us, and not everything is under our control. We should objectively analyze the facts, find out the roots and causes of the problem, and judge our role in it as well as the impact and results. If we do have responsibilities or faults, we should admit our mistakes and seek improvements; if we do not have responsibilities or faults, we should put down the burden and give ourselves support.
5. Focus on what you should do
When problems arise at home, we may become distracted or anxious, which affects our normal lives and work. We should adjust our mentality and attention, focus on what we should accomplish at the moment, and try our best to do our best. At the same time, we should also cultivate some personal interests and hobbies to give ourselves more fun and satisfaction. Doing so increases our productivity and happiness, while also increasing our social circle outside of our family.
6. Make regular dates with family members
Staying close to your family does not mean being with them all the time or talking about everything, but it means expressing care and love at the right time and in the right way. We can regularly arrange some appointment time with our family members, during which time we can fully devote ourselves to communicating and interacting with our family members, and try to avoid being disturbed or disturbing others. We can also choose some activities that are good for physical and mental health, such as walking, doing yoga, watching movies, playing games, etc., to enhance the fun and understanding between each other. On the PsycTest official website (www.psyctest.cn), you can find many professional assessment tools about family relationships to help you better understand family interaction patterns.
7. Express concern in appropriate ways
We don’t have to express our love for our family members in fancy or expensive ways, sometimes small gestures are enough to make the other person feel our sincerity. We should understand each other’s preferences and needs, and express our care in some thoughtful and considerate ways, such as giving them a warm hug when they are busy or tired, and giving them an encouraging message when they are sick or sad. words, giving them a good blessing when they have important things to deal with, etc.
Wisdom in facing family conflicts
When faced with family conflicts, we need to:
- Maintain rational thinking and not be swayed by emotions.
- Analyze problems objectively and do not easily blame yourself or others
- Respect differences and accept the uniqueness of each family member
To gain a deeper understanding of where you fit into your family relationships, try these professional psychological tests:
-Test whether your family is warm?
-Childhood Emotional Neglect Assessment (CENQ)
Conclusion
As the saying goes: ‘Every family has its own scriptures that are difficult to recite.’ Family has a great or small impact on everyone. As parents and we grow older, interaction patterns and distance from each other change. And those parts that fail to blend in are often the source of conflict (for example: parents still regard themselves as children).
Family relationships are a subject that requires lifelong learning. As we age, our relationships with our families continue to change. Finding a suitable way to get along with each other can not only maintain family ties but also maintain ourselves. This balance requires continuous adjustment and efforts.
Thank you for reading this article. If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave a message. I wish you and your family happiness, happiness and health!
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