Family is the cradle of our growth and our closest interpersonal relationship. However, families are not always harmonious and happy, and sometimes there are conflicts, contradictions, disappointments and other emotions. How do we maintain our selves and intimacy within our families, taking care of our own needs while maintaining the bond between our families?
Why are you affected by your family’s emotions?
Psychologist Murry Bowen proposed the Family Systems Theory (Bowen Family Systems Theory), which believes that the family is not only an interpersonal relationship, but also an emotional system. This means there are strong emotional bonds between family members, and anything that happens to one member affects the others. For example, children may feel anxious, scared, or angry when their parents argue; parents may feel disappointed, worried, or angry when their children fail a test.
This emotional connection is conducive to closeness and support among family members, but it can also lead to overdependence and interference. If there are no appropriate distances and boundaries between family members, the following problems may arise:
- Triangle: When there is tension or conflict in the relationship between two people, they may involve a third person to relieve stress or seek support. For example, when parents quarrel, they may complain to their children or ask them to take sides; when their children have conflicts with their teachers, they may ask their parents to go to the teacher to argue. While doing so can temporarily avoid confronting the problem directly, it can also create more complexity and confusion.
- Emotional fusion: When one person’s emotions are influenced by another, they may lose their own thoughts and feelings and completely submit to or rebel against the other person. For example, when parents have high expectations for their children, children may give up their own interests and dreams in order to please their parents; or they may deliberately engage in behaviors that violate their own values in order to rebel against their parents. Although doing so can express one’s attitude and position, it will also damage one’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
How to stay close to your family while maintaining an appropriate distance?
In order to avoid the above problems, we need to improve the Differentiation of Self. Self-differentiation refers to a person’s ability to distinguish between intellectual and emotional processes. In other words, people with a high degree of self-differentiation are able to distinguish between intellect and emotion and are less susceptible to emotions. Even in the face of pressure from others, people with high levels of self-differentiation are able to maintain their own ideas while maintaining close and meaningful relationships. On the contrary, people with low self-differentiation are often affected by the emotions of others, are easily influenced by others, and lack self-esteem.
Improving self-distinguishing is not about alienating or indifference from family members, but it is about maintaining an appropriate distance while maintaining closeness. Here are some ways to improve your self-distinguishing:
1. Avoid becoming a sounding board for other family members to avoid being involved in a triangle relationship.
When there is a problem between two family members, do not speak for them or pass on information, but encourage them to communicate and resolve it directly. If they complain to you or ask you to take sides, you can express your sympathy and understanding, but also make your position and boundaries clear and don’t be swayed by their emotions.
2. Avoid expecting the other person to change and respect each other’s differences.
Everyone has their own personality, values, preferences and opinions, and it is impossible to fully meet our expectations or requirements. When we try to change the other person, we often arouse the other person’s resentment or resistance, leading to the deterioration of the relationship. We should accept each other’s differences, respect each other’s choices and decisions, and at the same time express our own thoughts and feelings, seeking compromise and coordination between both parties.
3. Express your feelings and thoughts clearly, starting the sentence with ‘I think…’ or ‘I think…’ so that the other party can understand you better.
Many times, we have problems communicating with our family members because we do not express our true intentions and needs clearly, but use vague or accusatory language, which causes the other party to misunderstand or resent us. We should use some specific and objective language to describe our feelings and thoughts in a certain situation, rather than judging or criticizing the other person’s behavior or character. Doing so can increase the other party’s understanding and sympathy, and also reduce the other party’s defense and attack.
4. Calmly understand the facts, clarify who is responsible for the matter, and avoid placing unnecessary responsibilities on yourself.
Sometimes, we feel guilty or blame ourselves because our family members encounter difficulties or pain, thinking that we did not do a good enough job or did not fulfill our responsibilities. However, not everything is about us and not everything is under our control. We should objectively analyze the facts, find out the roots and causes of the problem, and judge what role we played and what results we influenced. If we are indeed responsible or at fault, we should admit our mistakes and seek improvement; if we are not responsible or at fault, we should put down the burden and give ourselves support.
5. Focus on what you should be doing at the moment and develop your personal interests.
When problems arise at home, we may become distracted or anxious, affecting our normal lives and work. We should adjust our mentality and attention, focus on what we should do at the moment, and try our best to do it well. At the same time, we should also cultivate some personal interests and hobbies to give ourselves more fun and satisfaction. Doing so can increase our productivity and happiness, as well as increase our social circle outside of our family.
6. Make regular appointments with your family, and devote yourself to communicating with them during the agreed time, or engage in activities that are beneficial to your body and mind together.
Staying close to your family does not mean being there all the time or talking about everything, but it means expressing care and love at the right time and in the right way. We can regularly arrange some appointment time with our family, during which time we focus on communicating and interacting with our family, and try to avoid interruptions or engage in beneficial activities together. Staying close to your family does not mean being there all the time or talking about everything, but it means expressing care and love at the right time and in the right way. We can regularly arrange some appointment time with our families, during which time we focus on communicating and interacting with our families, and try to avoid interruptions or being disturbed. We can also choose some activities that are beneficial to the body and mind, such as walking, doing yoga, watching movies, playing games, etc., to increase mutual fun and understanding.
7. Express your concern for your family in a way that the other person likes and that you can do, such as a simple greeting, giving the other person their favorite food, etc.
We don’t have to express our love for our family in some fancy or expensive way, sometimes small gestures are enough to make the other person feel our heart. We should understand each other’s preferences and needs, and express our care in some thoughtful and considerate ways, such as giving them a hug when they are busy or tired, giving them encouragement when they are sick or sad, and giving them encouragement when they are sick or sad. When the other person has important things to do, give them a blessing, etc.
Conclusion
Chang Yun said: ‘Every family has sutras that are difficult to recite.’ Family has some influence on everyone.
As our parents and we grow older, interaction patterns and distance from each other change. And some parts that cannot be reconciled are often the source of conflict (for example: parents still regard themselves as children).
Family has an inseparable relationship with us. Regardless of the relationship, it affects our growth and even our future relationships. Everyone needs to find a balance between distance from family and their role within the family. Remember to maintain appropriate emotional connections with your family while also taking care of your own needs. Even if we live in a small space, we can still find our own world.
Thank you for reading this article. If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave a message. I wish you and your family happiness!
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