Everyone expects to have a warm and harmonious family, but family relationships in real life are often challenging. How can we maintain intimate relationships in our family and maintain personal boundaries? This problem has troubled many people. This article will explore from a psychological perspective how to find a balance point in family relationships and help you establish a healthier family interaction model.
Why are you influenced by your family’s emotions?
Psychologist Murry Bowen proposed the Bowen Family Systems Theory , pointing out that family is not only an interpersonal relationship, but also an emotional system. In family relationships, a person may be completely dominated by other people's emotions and lose his ability to judge himself. In this case, either overly obedient or extreme resistance cannot truly express one's needs and ideas. For example, when parents have an argument, the child may feel anxious, afraid or angry; when the child’s test scores are not ideal, the parent may feel disappointed, worried or angry.
This emotional connection is beneficial for intimacy and mutual support among family members, but may also lead to excessive dependence and interference. If there is no proper distance and boundary between family members, the following situations may occur:
- Trouble of triangular relationship : When conflicts arise between family members, third parties are often unconsciously involved. For example, parents talk to their children when they are quarreling, or ask their children to choose sidelines. Although this approach can temporarily relieve stress, it often makes the problem more complicated.
- Excessive emotional fusion : In family relationships, a person may be completely dominated by the emotions of others and lose his ability to judge himself. In this case, either overly obedient or extreme resistance cannot truly express one's needs and ideas.
How to get close to your family and keep a proper distance?
To avoid the above problems, we need to enhance our ability to differentiate ourselves . Self-distinguishing refers to a person's ability to distinguish between rational and emotional processes. In other words, people with high self-distinguishing can clearly distinguish between reason and emotions, and are not easily restrained by emotions. Even when faced with pressure from others, people with high self-distinguishing can still stick to their own ideas and maintain intimate and meaningful relationships. On the contrary, people with low self-distinguishing are often influenced by other people's emotions, are easily influenced by others, and lack themselves.
Improving self-distinguishing does not mean being alienated from family or becoming indifferent, but keeping the right distance while staying close. Here are some ways to improve self-distinguishing:
1. Don't make a microphone
When there is a problem between two family members, do not express or convey information on their behalf, but encourage them to communicate and resolve directly. If they complain to you or ask you to stand, you can express your sympathy and understanding, but at the same time you must clarify your position and boundaries and not be controlled by their emotions.
2. Avoid expectations to change the other person
Everyone has their own unique personality, values, preferences and opinions, and it cannot be fully in line with our expectations or requirements. When we try to change the other person, it often causes the other person to be disgusted or resisted, which in turn leads to the deterioration of the relationship. We should accept the other party’s differences, respect the other party’s choices and decisions, and at the same time express our thoughts and feelings, and seek compromise and coordination between the two parties.
3. Clarify the communication principles
When communicating with family, we should use subjective expressions such as 'I feel' and 'I think'. Many times, problems arise in communication with our family are because we do not clearly express our true intentions and needs, but use some vague or accusatory language to cause misunderstandings or disgusts on the other party. We should use some specific and objective language to describe our feelings and thoughts in a specific situation, rather than judge or criticize the other person's behavior or personality. This approach can enhance the other party's understanding and sympathy, and at the same time reduce the other party's defense and attack.
4. Understand the facts and clarify the ownership of responsibility
Sometimes, we feel guilty or blame ourselves because our family encounters difficulties or pain, thinking that we have not done well enough or failed to fulfill our responsibilities. However, not everything is related to us, and not everything is under our control. We should objectively analyze the facts, find out the root cause and cause of the problem, and judge the role we play in it, the impact and results. If we do have responsibilities or negligence, we should admit our mistakes and seek improvements; if we do not have responsibilities or negligence, we should let go of our burdens and give ourselves support.
5. Focus on what you should do
When problems arise in the family, we may be distracted or anxious, which will affect our normal life and work. We should adjust our mindset and focus, focus on what we should accomplish now, and do our best to do our best. At the same time, we should also cultivate some personal interests and hobbies to give ourselves more fun and satisfaction. Doing so can improve our efficiency and happiness, while also increasing our social circles outside of our family.
6. Regular dates with your family
Staying close to your family does not mean being with you all the time or talking about everything, but expressing your concern and love at the right time and method. We can schedule some dates with our family regularly, and devote ourselves to communicating and interacting with our family during this period, and try to avoid being disturbed or interfering with others. We can also choose some activities that are beneficial to our physical and mental health, such as walking, doing yoga, watching movies, playing games, etc. to enhance the fun and tacit understanding between each other. In the official website of PsycTest Quiz (www.psychtest.cn), you can find many professional evaluation tools for family relationships to help you better understand family interaction patterns.
7. Express your concern in the right way
We don’t have to express our love for our family in gorgeous or expensive ways. Sometimes small actions are enough to make the other person feel our sincerity. We should understand the other party’s preferences and needs, and express our concern through some thoughtful and considerate ways, such as giving the other party a warm hug when he is busy or tired, giving them a word of encouragement when he is sick or sad, giving them a good blessing when he has important things to deal with, etc.
Wisdom in the face of family conflict
When facing family conflicts, we need to:
- Keep thinking rationally and not be influenced by emotions
- Analyze problems objectively and do not easily blame yourself or others
- Respect the differences and accept the uniqueness of each family member
To have a deeper understanding of your position in family relationships, try these professional psychological tests:
Conclusion
As the saying goes, 'Every family has a difficult sutra to recite.' Family has a big or small impact on everyone. As parents and us age, interaction patterns and distances from each other change. And those parts that cannot be adjusted are often the root of the conflict (for example: parents still regard themselves as children).
Family relationships are a lesson that requires lifelong learning. As we age, our relationships with our family are constantly changing. Finding a suitable way to get along can not only maintain family affection, but also maintain self-centeredness. This balance requires us to constantly adjust and work hard.
Thank you for reading this article. If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave a message. I wish you and your family happiness, happiness and health!
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