Have you ever been in a situation where your partner, relative, friend, or co-worker deliberately distorted the facts to make you think that everything was your fault, or even doubt your memory, perception, or sanity? If so, you may have fallen victim to a form of psychological manipulation known as gaslighting.
What is the gaslighting effect?
The gaslighting effect refers to the emotional abuse and manipulation exerted on the victim, causing the victim to gradually lose self-esteem, develop self-doubt, and be unable to escape. Gaslighting describes a form of psychological manipulation in which the victim is so manipulated by the perpetrator that the victim doubts his or her memory, perception, or sanity.
The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play ‘Gas Light’ and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptations of the same name. In the story, a husband deliberately dims the gas lights in his home in search of the jewelry of the woman he murdered, and denies his wife’s perception of changes in lights and strange sounds in the attic, ultimately convincing her that he is insane.
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Understanding gaslighting can not only help us protect ourselves, but also make us more compassionate and understanding of those who are being psychologically manipulated.
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What are the characteristics of the gaslighting effect?
Gaslighting is not one-sided, but a collaborative relationship, often involving one or a group of perpetrators, and a second person (the victim). The gaslighting effect is always achieved through two people: one is the gaslighter, sowing confusion and doubt; the other is the manipulated, who is willing to doubt his own knowledge in order to make the relationship continue.
Gaslighting can occur consciously or unconsciously, and is done in secret so that the emotional abuse that results is not made public. Gaslighting depends on ‘first convincing the victim that the victim’s ideas are distorted, and secondly convincing the victim that the perpetrator’s ideas are correct and true.’
Gaslighting causes cognitive dissonance or cognitive biases in the victim and causes the victim to question their own thinking, perception and reality testing, thereby predisposing them to low self-esteem and disturbing thoughts and affects, and may promote Confusion, anxiety, depression and even psychosis in some cases. After victims lose confidence in their own mental abilities and develop a sense of learned helplessness, they become more susceptible to the control of their perpetrators. Victims tend to be people of lower power and status. The role of perpetrator or victim can swing within a given relationship, and often each participant is convinced that he or she is the victim.
What are the manifestations of the gaslighting effect?
Gaslighting can occur in any relationship, such as intimate relationships, family relationships, work relationships, social relationships, etc. Gaslighting can manifest itself in many ways. Here are some common examples:
- Perpetrators often deny or ignore the victim’s feelings, needs, and ideas, making the victim feel unimportant or ununderstood.
- Perpetrators often lie or conceal facts, causing the victim to doubt their own memory and judgment.
- Perpetrators often blame or criticize the victim to make the victim feel like there is something wrong with them or that they are not good enough.
- The perpetrator often uses threats, intimidation, punishment, or rewards to make the victim fear losing the perpetrator’s love or attention, or being harmed or abandoned by the perpetrator.
- Perpetrators often change rules or expectations, leaving victims confused and upset about how to please the perpetrator.
- Perpetrators often take advantage of the victim’s weaknesses or faults to make the victim feel guilty and ashamed and afraid to resist the perpetrator.
- The perpetrator often isolates or excludes the victim, leaving the victim without other supports and resources and dependent on the perpetrator.
- Perpetrators often brainwash or fabricate facts to make victims believe that the perpetrator is right and is the victim’s savior or only hope.
How to recognize and deal with gaslighting?
If you suspect you may be in a gaslighting relationship, here are some ways you can identify and respond to it:
- Stay self-aware. You need to recognize that your feelings, needs, and thoughts are legitimate and important, and not let your inner voice be denied or ignored by your perpetrator. You also need to pay attention to your physical and mental health. Whether you have symptoms such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, headaches, etc., these may be signs that you are experiencing emotional abuse.
- Record the facts. You can record what happened, as well as your feelings and thoughts at the time, by writing a diary, taking photos, recording, etc. This can help you maintain a clear understanding of reality and avoid being manipulated or misled by the perpetrator. You can also share your experiences and feelings with trusted people and get their opinions and advice.
- Set boundaries. You need to set some clear and reasonable boundaries for yourself about behaviors and words that are and are not acceptable to you. If the perpetrator violates your boundaries, you need to firmly say no or resist without giving in or compromising. You also need to learn to say ’no’ and not sacrifice your own interests and values to please the perpetrator.
- Ask for help. If you feel that you cannot get rid of a gaslighting relationship, or have been seriously harmed, you need to seek professional help, such as psychological counseling, legal aid, social services, etc. These resources can provide you with effective support and guidance to help you regain your confidence and self-esteem and rebuild a healthy and active life.
Summarize
Gaslighting is a dangerous and covert method of psychological manipulation that can cause serious physical and mental harm to the victim. We need to learn to recognize and respond to gaslighting, protect ourselves from emotional abuse, and seek appropriate help. We also need to respect the feelings, needs, and ideas of others, avoid gaslighting others, and build healthy and equal relationships.
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