Have you ever had such a scene: a day was already arranged, but when a friend sent a request, he nodded unconsciously to agree? You know that you actually need time to be alone and recharge, but before the thought of rejection was expressed, the guilt in your heart surged up first.
If you are an ISFJ personality type (Guardian type) in the MBTI 16 personality, this situation may be accustomed to you. You are used to thinking about others, and even want to take good care of others while sacrificing yourself. But for a long time, you may feel tired, anxious, and even have a slight resentment about the relationship itself.
This article will help you see clearly: Why is ISFJ prone to falling into the pleasing personality trap? How to keep the bottom line of kindness and protect yourself at the same time?
Why is ISFJ so easy to please others?
Typical keywords in ISFJ personality test include 'delicity', 'loyalty', 'considerful' and 'responsible'. This means you have strong emotional insight and service awareness. You can quickly detect other people’s needs and think about how to help in your mind even before they speak.
It is precisely because of this 'perception ability' and 'responsibility', you can easily unconsciously carry the emotional burden of others on yourself - even if you are physically and mentally exhausted, you still grit your teeth and persevere.
In a study of MBTI type sixteen personality, more than 85% of the subjects in the ISFJ said that they often put other people's needs before themselves and were the top 'high-frequency pleaders' among all personality types.
In addition, ISFJs are often not good at expressing their true wishes. In groups, you may default on others’ decisions, obey most opinions, and rarely actively express your preferences. Even if you resist in your heart, you will choose to remain silent.
For example, when a friend proposes to go to a lively bar, you want to go to a quiet restaurant, but you will smile and nod and say, 'Okay.' Although you feel tired afterwards, you are still not used to expressing 'no'.
ISFJ-T and ISFJ-A: What is the difference between flattering behavior?
ISFJ personality can be subdivided into two tendencies:
- ISFJ-T (turbulent type) : It is easier to care about other people's evaluations and worry that they are not accepted, so they are more inclined to please;
- ISFJ-A (confident type) : relatively more self-boundary. Although he is willing to help others, he has more courage when expressing his rejection.
Data shows that about 84% of ISFJ-T individuals frequently worry about 'what others will think of me', while only 40% of ISFJ-A have similar concerns. This 'high sensitivity to others' evaluation' is one of the root causes of many ISFJs falling into the trap of flattery.
The price of pleasing personality: What have you lost?
When you give priority to meeting other people's needs for a long time and ignore your true state, the following problems often appear quietly:
- Physical and mental exhausted but unable to relax : even if you rest, you often cannot recover;
- Begin to resent about intimate relationships : you are clearly 'paying', but you are less and less willing to get close;
- Losing perception of yourself : You haven’t thought about “what I really want” for a long time;
- Anxiety becomes the norm : you are always worried that others are not satisfied and always want to take care of everything carefully.
If you've ever felt like this, then it's time to make some changes for yourself.
Three practical strategies: Stop unconscious pleasing and rebuild self-worth
Strategy 1: Don’t rush to say “ok”, give yourself some buffering time
ISFJ often responds to other people's requests quickly out of instinct, but you can practice saying, 'I'll think about it and tell you.' This simple sentence can help you gain room for thinking and avoid impulsively agreeing and regretting afterwards.
You can ask yourself in your mind:
- Do I really have the time and energy?
- Will this make me too tired?
- Is there a more suitable way to help?
Pause does not mean rejection, it is the first step you learn to take care of yourself.
Strategy 2: Write self-care into the “to-do list”
For ISFJ, a sense of planning and responsibility are a driving force. You can also use 'self-care' as a 'obligation' rather than a 'willful' indulgence.
For example:
- Daily: 10 minutes of meditation, short walks, and reading;
- Weekly: Take a hot bath and have a deep chat with relatives and friends;
- Monthly: Arrange a short trip and learn a new interest.
Treat yourself as a 'fixed task' and it will be easier for you to not cancel, procrastinate or ignore easily.
Strategy Three: Express your thoughts bravely and start practicing from small things
You don't need to become a 'very aggressive' person at once. You can start with the smallest choice:
- Say what you really want to eat when ordering;
- It is proposed to change the meeting place;
- Expressing “I want to be alone today and later.”
You will find that expressing yourself will not be denied, but may make others understand and respect you better.
If you suspect that you are a pleasing personality, you recommend these free psychological tests:
- Test of flattery personality tendency: What type of 'good person' are you?
- Self-test of flattery personality: Test your flattery health index (30 questions)
- Are you a pleasing personality? 26 questions to test your true personality!
They can help you understand your behavior patterns in relationships more clearly and may also be an opportunity for you to start changing.
Want to have a deeper understanding of ISFJ personality? Start with the test
If you have not done an MBTI test, you can first try the free MBTI personality test we provide to test which type of 16 personality you belong to. This is the first step to knowing oneself and the basis for judging whether you have a pleasing personality tendency.
If you already know that you are an ISFJ and want to have a deeper understanding of your personality strengths and weaknesses, behavior patterns and emotional needs, welcome to read our MBTI Advanced Personality Profile . It contains a more complete personality portrait analysis than the normal test, helping you go further and see deeper.
More ISFJ-related content recommendations:
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