‘I feel really uncomfortable when he does this! But is it really okay to tell him?’
You may be worried that setting boundaries (Boundaries), telling others clearly will make them think you are fussy or unsophisticated, and this feeling of guilt can make you feel overwhelmed. But you know what? In fact, setting appropriate interpersonal boundaries is indispensable for us to protect ourselves or create connections with others.
So what are interpersonal boundaries?
If you imagine a target, the center of the circle is you, and you want to place the people you know in different positions on the target from close to distant, how would you place them?
Interpersonal boundaries are one such concept that defines how close you are to another person and can be applied physically, emotionally, or psychologically. It helps you figure out how much time, money and energy you can give to someone; it also lets others know how to get along with you so that you feel comfortable and at ease. For example: You don’t want your friend to call you and complain for hours when you are busy. After this happens a few times, you explain to him: ‘Can we make an appointment to chat? I value you, but I really don’t want to lose you.’ It’s work.”
The interpersonal boundaries between us and different people can be different. For example, the topics that you can talk about with your friends do not mean that you will feel comfortable talking with your family.
Myths about setting interpersonal boundaries…..
Myth 1. Boundaries are only needed with people you don’t want to interact with.
🙆 Boundaries exist in all kinds of relationships, whether friends, family, lovers, roommates, co-workers or clients
Myth 2. Setting interpersonal boundaries means pushing others away
🙆 One of the purposes of setting interpersonal boundaries is to protect and bring the relationship closer; it is precisely because you care about the other person that you will sincerely explain your needs and feelings. These boundaries also let the other person know exactly how they can protect you. What’s more, the right person will naturally understand and respect your interpersonal boundaries~
Myth 3. Interpersonal boundaries are common knowledge that everyone knows and needs no explanation.
🙆 Different growth backgrounds and experiences give us different understandings of interpersonal boundaries. Therefore, we should not expect others to ‘read minds’ or understand what you mean by ‘respecting boundaries’!
How can we set interpersonal boundaries?
Setting interpersonal boundaries may be very foreign to you, and you may find that you have a lot of guilt to overcome. You can remember the following three points first:
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Be specific about the boundaries you need.
What kind of space do you need to maintain with the other person? Do you need more physical distance, time, or what? Think carefully about the reasons behind your upset and specifically ’label’ your needs! For example: You don’t object to your boyfriend ‘complaining’ that you are too clingy, but you think he can talk to you in a calmer tone, or let you know specifically how you affect him. -
Direct and clear communication.
As mentioned in Myth 3, everyone has different understandings of ‘boundaries’. Choosing to express things tactfully may not be effective in making the other party understand. In addition, writing down your reasons and logic on paper can also help you keep your mind clear. -
Be decisive.
Once you set your boundaries, remember to stick to them decisively! You may think, ‘That’s it this time’ or ‘This will be the last time he does this.’ In the end, instead of just standing still, the other party is more likely to take advantage of you because of your indecisiveness.
If you are a ’nice person’, setting appropriate interpersonal boundaries may bring about unimaginable changes for you! 🤩
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