BDSM (bundle, domination, sadism and sadism) refers to a sexual practice that includes bondage, dominance and sadism. Many people have BDSM-related fantasies or have participated in some form of BDSM practice.
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However, BDSM is not a single behavioral pattern, it exists on a continuum. Fantasy is different from practice, and practice does not necessarily mean lifestyle. Often, those who occasionally engage in, occasionally experiment with, or incorporate BDSM into their lifestyles, or even those who engage in short-term gender role play, are lumped together, a label that may be confusing to some. Especially those who are trying to understand where they fit in the spectrum.
BDSM is viewed as ’normal’ in many mainstream publications, and participants are often considered mentally healthy. BDSM advocates often cite one study as evidence for this view (Wismeijer, 2013). The Dutch study showed that ‘BDSM practitioners are less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more responsible, less sensitive to rejection, and have higher subjective well-being than the general population, but they are lower in agreeableness (Especially those in a ’leading’ role)’. The study reached this conclusion using self-report data on the Big Five personality traits (neuroticism, extraversion, openness, conscientiousness, and agreeableness) as well as other aspects of rejection sensitivity, relationship attachment, and well-being.
Although Wismeijer’s study is frequently cited, few articles discuss the limitations of this Dutch study (McGreal 2013). The researchers themselves mentioned that the participants came from a BDSM forum in the Netherlands, while the control group was mainly composed of women and was recruited through a popular women’s magazine. The researchers emphasized that ’the mental health of these 434 participants, especially the majority of female adults, is not representative of the general population outside the BDSM community.’
If we generally agree that BDSM encompasses a variety of sexual fantasies and behaviors, it can be speculated that the mental health conditions behind these behaviors may also vary. While there are some limited but solid findings in clinical journals, they do not appear to have had much impact on mainstream understanding (Dunkley, 2018).
One article (deNeef 2019) suggested that individual personality traits (such as higher openness or extraversion), as well as the presence of personality disorders, are associated with increased interest in BDSM, although the evidence for well-defined personality disorders is insufficient. . Additionally, research also suggests that levels of sensation seeking and impulsivity seeking new experiences or higher stimulation may also prompt individuals to explore BDSM behaviors.
Research on sexual abuse and BDSM points out that self-reported childhood sexual abuse experiences are generally higher among BDSM practitioners (8% of men and 23% of women), while the proportions in the general population are much lower (3% of men and 8% of women). %) (Nordling 2000).
The Heart of a BDSM Relationship: Power and Consent
A BDSM relationship is based on the voluntary consent of both parties. Normally, the submissive party (sub) will completely obey the instructions, desires and sexual behavior rules of the dominant party (dom). The submissive partner usually derives pleasure from complete submission, while the dominant partner derives pleasure from a sense of control. Research shows that power differentials are at the core of BDSM interactions; pain, bondage, and humiliation are the tools used to create this hierarchy (Cross 2018).
BDSM: The difference between healthy and pathological
Human sexuality is extremely complex.
Sexual compatibility between a couple helps increase intimacy, which in turn strengthens the overall relationship. Most BDSM practitioners and non-practitioners will admit this.
However, many people and couples have difficulty with sexual and emotional intimacy. These difficulties often occur simultaneously and interact at different stages of the relationship. Boredom, fatigue, lack of passion, resentment, or miscommunication are often parallel relationship issues both inside and outside the bedroom. Sexual relationships often reflect the reality of the relationship, but sometimes they don’t. Many couples in BDSM-led relationships may vehemently disagree that their relationship has nothing to do with the distribution of power in their outside lives.
However, some people seek professional help because of feelings of emptiness, longing, and even self-loathing due to the insatiable demands they have during sex. Sexual stimulation is now as easy to obtain as candy or alcohol, and quick gratification is readily available. What often leads to a deep understanding of why one keeps pursuing these sexual behaviors is exhaustion, depression, and a decrease in sexual arousal, which is also seen in the BDSM community.
Quantities and motivations for BDSM behavior: What is “normal”?
An often overlooked issue is the frequency and motivations of BDSM practitioners. Among some BDSM practitioners, if their sexual behavior is dangerous, implies intent to harm, or displays compulsion, these behaviors are not considered ’normal’ - this is different from those who engage in unrestrained and compulsive traditional sex. The behavior of people is also abnormal.
As a hypothetical example: John is a middle-aged business executive working for a conservative international financial institution. He considers himself a ‘dominant’ and frequently seeks anonymous BDSM dates through a website and crosses boundaries at work. Recruit colleagues and subordinates to participate in similar BDSM activities. He had at least one anonymous BDSM date a day and was proud of it, sharing photos of himself ‘humiliating’ others with friends, claiming he had the women’s consent. He calls himself ‘a leader with an important mission’ and many people and couples are looking for him.
Let’s look at another example: Daniel and Karen are a couple in their 30s, both business executives. The two had been married for five years, had a solid relationship and communicated well, and decided to introduce BDSM fantasies into their sex life. The couple went to a BDSM club together, where they felt curious and a little excited, and occasionally bought some BDSM tools. Daniel is the “dominant” and Karen is the “submissive”. During several experiences, Daniel tied up Karen, blindfolded her, put on a gag, gently hit her with a small whip, or used feathers to stimulate her body until she paused when she was about to climax. Couples often end their BDSM experience with traditional sex, or lie together in each other’s arms, discussing the experience and feeling satisfied and happy. Occasionally they would share new fantasies.
John’s behavior was clearly exploitative of his colleagues and subordinates, and his status as a ‘dominant’ person may have masked his narcissistic traits, in which he controlled others to defend himself against low self-esteem and deep insecurities.
Daniel and Karen, on the other hand, may be viewed by many as a healthy, loving couple looking to expand each other’s sexual boundaries through BDSM. As some researchers have suggested, the power differential in BDSM may be a core driver of their sexual pleasure. Since their relationship is built on trust and safety, they can share fantasies with each other and incorporate those fantasies into actual sex.
Summarize
With the development of the times, concepts about gender and BDSM have changed greatly, and the early view of sexual abuse described by Freud as a ‘perversion’ is no longer tenable. With increased freedom, more and more people are realizing those passionate fantasies in their relationships and sex lives. However, as with many things in life, sexual freedom also comes with responsibility and the pursuit of truth. Understanding the motivations behind sexual behaviors, especially those that may reflect compulsive or compensatory needs, is necessary for anyone, and it’s not just a problem for traditional sexual behaviors communities.
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