Have you ever had the experience of seeing a familiar avatar on social media but can’t remember who it is? Or maybe you saw a post from someone in your circle of friends, only to find that you haven’t contacted each other for a long time? Or are you encountering some difficulties in life but don’t know who to talk to?
These all illustrate that our social relationships are not all true friendships. So, what is true friendship? How should we cultivate and maintain friendships? Let’s explore it from a psychological perspective!
There are seven levels of friendship
According to research by psychologist Robin Dunbar, human social relationships can be divided into the following seven levels:
- Closest Friend: This is the person(s) you trust, understand and care for the most. It may be a good brother or sister you grew up with, or someone who has been with you through thick and thin. A dear friend. They are like your family, no matter what happens, you will think of them first.
- Good friends: This is the person(s) you know very well, care about, and support very much. They may be classmates, colleagues, or colleagues you know in school or work. They are like your partners. No matter what thoughts, feelings, or confusions you have, you can share them with them.
- Close friends: This is the person(s) you trust, understand, and like more. They may be friends, teachers, or mentors you have met on certain occasions. They are like your mentors, no matter what problems, challenges, opportunities you encounter, you can turn to them for advice.
- Friends in the social circle: This is the person(s) you often play, party, and communicate with. They may be friends, teammates, or team members you know in your hobbies. They are like your playmates. No matter what recreational activities you want to do, what social events you want to participate in, or what new things you want to experience, you can go with them.
- Friends in activities: This is the person(s) with whom you occasionally participate in certain activities, projects, and tasks. It may be familiar faces you meet at the gym or collaborators you meet in volunteer activities. Partners, classmates I met during training courses. They are like your partners. No matter what goals you want to achieve, what tasks you want to complete, or what skills you want to learn, you can help each other with them.
- ‘Convenient’ friends: This is the person(s) you make friends with for certain interests, purposes, and reasons. It may be a parent group you join to take care of your children, or a friend you make friends with neighbors to save money. Shared resources, flattering bosses in order to improve their status in the workplace. They are like your stakeholders. No matter what benefits you want to get, what troubles you want to avoid, or what problems you want to solve, you can exchange conditions with them.
- Nodding acquaintances: This is the person(s) with whom you have only superficial contact but no in-depth communication. They may be neighbors you meet on the road every day, colleagues you don’t often cooperate with, or relatives you are unfamiliar with. . They are like strangers to you. No matter what your mood, experience, or thoughts, you will never tell them.
From these seven levels, we can see that different social relationships can meet our different social needs. The most distant relationship can only give us some functional help, while starting from friends in activities, we can feel some companionship and belonging, and it is not until the closest friends that we can get real emotion and support.
Each of us has complex social needs, and if we think about it carefully, we can probably all classify the people we know into these seven levels.
How many friends do you need?
There is actually no standard answer to this question. Because everyone has different definitions and expectations of friendship. Some people like to have many friends, while some people only need a few close friends. Research shows that about half of people think that having 2 to 3 close friends is enough, but a third of people think that having at least 4 to 6 close friends is enough.
But no matter how many friends we want, the important thing is that we all need some level of social interaction. Especially during the last two years of the pandemic, we have become even more aware of how important staying connected to others is for our mental health. Even saying hello to an acquaintance can help us feel we are not alone.
How to build and maintain friendships?
If we want to make our social relationships deeper and more stable, then we need to pay attention to the following points:
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Be a sincere self and a friend
True friendship is based on trust and understanding, so we must dare to express our true thoughts and feelings, and we must also respect and accept our friends’ opinions and emotions. Close friends don’t need to lie or hide. They will use sincerity and candor to help you understand and improve yourself. -
Spend time with and appreciate friends
We may often forget to say thank you to our closest friends, or we may neglect spending time with them because we feel so familiar. In fact, friendship needs to be maintained and enhanced with actions, and it must be expressed in a way that the other party can feel. You can try to think about what kind of gifts, activities, and topics they like from the other person’s perspective, and then take the initiative to invite them to hang out, eat, and chat together. -
Set reasonable expectations and boundaries
Sometimes, we may have unrealistic or unfair demands on our friends, such as hoping that they can read our minds or give up their own interests for us. Such expectations often lead to disappointment and conflict, so we must learn to communicate and compromise, and we must also respect and accept the differences of our friends. For example: you may feel that if your friend cares about you, he should call you on your birthday; if the other person does not do this, you may feel that he does not value you. But in fact, this friend may be delayed by other things, or he may think that sending a message is enough, or he may not remember your birthday at all.
Friendship is one of the greatest gifts in life, and we all want to have true friends and be true friends to others. Let’s all work on learning how to better build and maintain friendships!
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