In an intimate relationship, have you ever seen people like this: they long to be loved but subconsciously retreat when their feelings are approaching; they are afraid of loneliness, but they are used to pushing away those who want to care about themselves. This contradictory behavior pattern is likely to be related to the 'avoidable attachment personality'. This article will comprehensively analyze the avoidant attachment personality from definition, characteristics, causes, influence to improvement methods, and help you better understand this psychological phenomenon.
What is the avoidant attachment personality?
Avoidant Attachment Personality is an adult attachment style and belongs to the insecure attachment type. It originates from the 'attachment theory' in psychology (proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby), which refers to an avoidant emotional pattern formed by an individual in intimate relationships or emotional connections, showing excessive fear of 'abandoned' and feeling strongly discomfort about 'over-intimacy'.
The difference between avoidant personality and avoidant attachment
Many people will confuse 'avoidant personality' and 'avoidant attachment'. The core difference between the two is: avoidant attachment focuses on the emotional connection pattern, the core is the ambivalent attitude towards intimacy (desire and resistance); while avoidant personality disorder (English: Avoidant Personality Disorder) is a more serious personality disorder, the core is the general avoidance of social interaction and the extreme sensitivity to negative evaluations, which requires professional diagnosis to be determined. Simply put, avoidant attachment is 'afraid of intimacy', and avoidant personality disorder is 'afraid of social interaction'.
Is avoidant attachment a disease?
It should be clear that avoidant attachment personality ≠ disease, which is more of a long-term emotional pattern tendency; while avoidant personality disorder belongs to the personality disorder type in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Diseases (DSM-5), needs to meet strict diagnostic standards and have a more serious impact on life.
Typical characteristics of avoidant attachment personality
The characteristics of avoidant attachment personality are often reflected in three aspects: emotional expression, interpersonal relationships and self-cognition. They can be summarized into the following points, or they can be used to assist in judgment through avoidant attachment test or avoidant attachment personality test (it is recommended to choose a professional psychological assessment tool):
1. Desire and resist intimacy
They desire to be cared for and understood in their hearts, but when their partner or friend shows excessive intimacy (such as frequent physical contact and deep emotional communication), a strong sense of 'suffocation' will be created, and they will push away the other person through indifference, silence or alienation. For example, when a partner says 'I love you', they may change the subject; when the other person wants to hug, they will subconsciously dodge.
2. Excessive independence and refusal to depend on it
Avoidant attachments are accustomed to regarding 'independence' as the norm and even deliberately reject help from others. They will feel 'dependence on others = weak', and they will worry that dependence will put themselves at the risk of 'controlled' or 'abandoned'. For example, when you are sick, you would rather carry it alone than tell your family; when you encounter difficulties in your work, you never ask your colleagues for help.
3. Emotional depression, poor expression
They rarely take the initiative to express their emotions, especially negative emotions. I won’t share it with my heart when I am happy, and I won’t talk easily when I am sad, and I will even use “it’s okay” and “it’s okay” to cover up my true feelings. Long-term suppressed emotions may cause them to appear 'indifferent' in the relationship, making the other party mistakenly think that they are not cared about.
4. Sensitive to criticism and accustomed to self-denial
Avoidant attachments often have the problem of 'low self-worth' in their hearts and are particularly sensitive to others' evaluations (especially negative evaluations). Once criticized, they will subconsciously think that 'they are not good enough', but will not directly refute, but will avoid conflict by avoiding it. For example, when a partner complains that 'you don't care about me enough', they will choose to have a cold war rather than a communication solution.
5. Fear of promises and avoid future planning
In love, they are full of fear of 'commitment'. When the relationship develops to talk about marriage or long-term planning, it will escape by procrastinating, shifting topics or even breaking up. They are worried that commitment means 'losing freedom' and are afraid that they will not be able to satisfy each other's expectations, which will eventually lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
Causes of avoidant attachment personality formation
The formation of avoidant attachment personality is not innate, but is closely related to childhood experiences and growth environments. This is also how the avoidant personality is formed? The core answer to this question:
1. 'Emotional Neglect' or 'Over Control' in Childhood
If parents or main raising people ignore their children's emotional needs for a long time (such as no one comforts their children when they cry, and no one shares their children when they are happy), the children will gradually realize that 'expressing emotions is useless', thus learning to suppress their own needs and form a survival model that is 'not dependent on others'.
On the contrary, if parents over-control (such as forcibly arrange their children's lives and deny their children's feelings), the children will feel 'intimacy = loss of themselves', and then become afraid of emotional connections and strive for autonomous space through avoidance.
2. Repeated experiences of 'rejected' or 'abandoned'
If you experience the departure of important relatives in childhood (such as divorce of parents or death of relatives), or are frequently isolated by peers and betrayed by friends, the child will plant the seeds of 'abandonment is the norm' in his heart. In order to avoid being hurt again, they will close their hearts in advance and use avoidance to reduce emotional investment.
3. The influence of social culture or family concepts
In some families or cultures, 'strong' and 'independence' are overemphasized, such as parents often say, 'boys cannot cry' and 'take care of their own affairs.' This concept will make children think that 'expressing fragility is shameful' from an early age. After long-term suppression of emotions, it is easy to form an avoidant attachment style.
The impact of avoidant attachment personality on life
The behavioral patterns of avoidant attachment personality will have potential impacts in three levels: intimate relationship, social interaction and self-cognition, and are easily a avoidant lover in relationships:
1. Intimate relationships are difficult to last
As avoidant lovers, they both desire to get close and fear intimacy, which often makes their partners feel 'cold and hot' and 'unpredictable'. The other party’s enthusiasm will be extinguished by their indifference, and long-term emotional dislocation may lead to a breakdown of the relationship and even lead them into a “single cycle.”
2. The social circle is narrow and lacks deep connections
In friendship or workplace relationships, they are accustomed to maintaining a 'safe distance' and are unwilling to participate in in-depth emotional exchanges. This will make it difficult for them to establish true trust. Although there may be a large number of friends, they lack 'confidants' who can express their thoughts, and they are prone to being isolated and helpless when encountering difficulties.
3. Self-cognitive bias, falling into internal consumption
Long-term suppression of emotions and avoiding conflicts will make them doubt their self-worth. They may feel that 'they are not worthy of being loved', or blame themselves for 'unable to express emotions normally', fall into internal friction of 'wanting to change but unable to change', and even affecting their emotional health.
Methods to improve avoidant attachment personality
1. Self-adjustment: From awareness to action
- Accept yourself first and break 'self-negation': understand that avoidance attachment is a protective mechanism formed by past experiences, not a 'character defect'. Try to say to yourself, 'My avoidance is not wrong, it's just that I haven't learned a better way.'
- Tips for learning 'emotional expression': Don't force yourself to open up immediately, start with 'small dose expression'. For example, when you are happy, you say, 'It's very comfortable to be with you today', and when you are sad, you say, 'I'm a little depressed now and need a moment of quietness.'
- Establish a 'safety boundary' rather than 'isolating a relationship': make an agreement with your partner to 'safe distance', such as 'I need to be alone for 1 hour a day, but this is not not not loving you', so that the other party can understand you more while reducing anxiety.
2. Professional support: Avoidant attachment personality therapy and intervention
- Psychology: In avoidant attachment personality therapy, attachment repair therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) are commonly used methods, and professional counselors can help sort out childhood trauma and adjust cognitive biases.
- How to treat avoidant personality disorder? : If it is an avoidant personality disorder, systematic treatment is required under the guidance of a psychological counselor, which may be combined with group therapy to improve social fear. In severe cases, psychiatrists need to evaluate whether medication assistance is needed (such as anti-anxiety drugs).
FAQ
How to judge avoidant personality?
The core depends on whether it exists for a long time: ① Excessive avoidance of social interaction and fear of being evaluated; ② Extremely fearful of intimate relationships and deliberately keep a distance; ③ Extremely low self-worth and extremely sensitive to rejection. It can be combined with professional assessments (such as MMPI personality tests) and psychological counselor assessments.
What else is there besides avoidance personality?
In adult attachment styles, in addition to avoidance, there are also security attachments (can naturally express emotions and trust others), anxiety attachments (excessive desire for intimacy and fear of being abandoned), and disordered attachments (conflict behavioral contradictions and confusion in intimate relationships). Among the types of personality disorders, there are borderline, paranoid, etc., which need to be distinguished through professional diagnosis.
Avoidant attachment personality skills
If you have avoidant attachments around you, you should: ① Respect the boundaries and not put too much pressure on intimacy; ② Communication in 'non-criticism' language, such as not saying 'you never care about me', but saying 'I hope we can talk more'; ③ Give patience and allow them to get close to the relationship at their own pace.
Conclusion
Avoidance-type attachment personality is an emotional pattern shaped by past experiences. It is not a label, nor is it the end. If you find yourself with similar traits, you don’t have to worry – through self-awareness, deliberate practice and professional support, you can learn healthier ways of expressing emotions. Remember, true strength is not 'never rely on', but the daring to believe that 'being loved and free can coexist.' If you have difficulty in self-adjusting and seek professional help in a timely manner, you are responsible for your gentleness.
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