Each of us is unique, but we are also influenced by the people around us. When we get along with others, we will change. Some changes are good and some changes are bad. We must learn to distinguish and not lose ourselves for others.
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How do we change in relationships?
Some people say that people in love become like each other. is this real? Some psychologists have done experiments and found that couples will look more and more alike. They say this is because couples live together and experience joys and sorrows together, so their expressions and skin will become similar. This shows that their relationship is very close and harmonious.
When we are with someone, we are no longer just ourselves, but also the other person. We will consider each other’s feelings and thoughts, and we will do something for each other. Some scholars have proposed a theory that our self-concept changes as a result of relationships. Self-image is our view and understanding of ourselves. They say there are two aspects to self-image: size and valence.
- Size: How much does the self-image include, such as our personality, interests, abilities, etc. Some relationships make our self-image bigger, and some relationships make our self-image smaller. For example, our self-image may have grown because we learned new things with each other, or discovered a side of ourselves that we didn’t know we had. On the other hand, we may give up what we originally like because we comply with the other person’s preferences, which means that our self-image becomes smaller.
- Valence: whether the self-image is good or bad, such as whether we are satisfied with ourselves, confident, etc. Some relationships make our self-image better, and some relationships make our self-image worse. For example, we may reduce working hours due to the other party’s request. For some people, this may make them feel relaxed and happy, and their self-image has improved; but for some people, this may make them feel If you don’t work hard enough and you are not successful enough, your self-image will deteriorate.
Size and valence are separable, that is, some changes may make our self-image larger but worse, and some changes may make our self-image smaller but better. So they came up with four self-image changes.
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Self-expansion:
When the content of our positive self-image increases, it is self-expansion. This change is usually good because it makes us stronger, more well-rounded, and more aware of ourselves. For example, we may have tried new things with each other and broadened our horizons and scope. We may also learn qualities from each other that we admire. -
Self-contraction:
When the content of our positive self-image decreases, we are shrinking ourselves. This kind of change is usually bad because it makes us weaker, more single, and less ourselves. For example, in order to cater to the other person’s requirements, we may give up a part of ourselves that we cherish, such as friendship, interests, etc. For example, some people will change their dressing style because the other person doesn’t like them wearing too revealing clothes, even though they originally think this is a way to show off and enjoy themselves. -
Self-pruning:
Sometimes, letting go of parts of yourself is a good thing because we all have areas to improve. The other party can help us get rid of some bad habits and have a positive effect on the overall self-image. For example, we may quit smoking, gambling and other bad habits because of the other person’s reminder. -
Self-adulteration
Sometimes adding parts of ourselves is a bad thing because we may become worse and further from the ideal. We may be influenced by the other party and develop some bad habits, or in an abusive relationship, we may accept the other party’s insults and belittlement of ourselves, and regard those lies as truth and become part of our self-image.
In a relationship, we influence each other. We may become better because of the other person, or we may become worse because of the other person. Self-expansion and self-pruning are the outcomes we want, while self-contraction and self-adulteration are the outcomes we want to avoid because they make us lose ourselves.
Although it is difficult for us to completely get rid of the influence of relationships on us, we can think more about: Do the changes I make because of relationships bring me closer to my ideal? Do I still remember what I looked like? Which version of myself do I prefer?
Don’t lose yourself in the relationship
Some people care so much about what others think that they forget what they really want. They change themselves to please others, but become increasingly unhappy. When we are fully committed to a relationship, we may not realize that we are in trouble, slowly sacrificing ourselves, and giving too much. We change, grow, and leave some mark in our relationships. But we must be careful not to let relationships become everything in our lives, tie them to our own values, and let relationships change us beyond recognition.
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